In search of technology & management truths PLUS a good laugh!

Back on the track

2009-07-25T05:43:00.000-07:00

Yes I am back. Took a kind of sabbatical from blogging to go and do life again. A lot has happened in these months in between. For one thing I think I am thinner – but then no one else seems to agree, so perhaps only my thoughts have lost weight? Or perhaps I am having lighter thoughts? Anyway – what else? We moved house in Dubai , and genuine sincere praises to the Lord and all well wishers that it is bigger than the last place. Of course moving house felt like getting one’s intestines pulled out without anesthesia – but they have just about settled back in their cavity. What else? What else? Hmm ahh yes we also bought an apartment in Mumbai..so if anyone refers to my previous blog on this topic you can now consider yourself updated…

Home A-loan

2008-10-07T11:42:00.000-07:00

The timing is impeccable. I find myself in the market for a home loan just when all the banks are shying away from offering them. While everyone I know, and his dog (come to think of it – sometimes its hard to tell which of the two is the dog!) has made a killing on real estate, be it in Dubai or Mumbai or any place else – I am being systematically killed for not investing in real estate thus far. By whom? Well by my landlord for sure, and he has now been joined in his gleeful endeavor by my own wife.

“People younger than you own more than one home – and you are sitting on the fence – as you have been – for the past 15 years!” Well, with a yawn and a stretch, I have now alighted from the fence. With my luck, someone is going to get onto my spot on that fence when my back is turned – and I won’t even be able to fence-sit on the issue anymore!

Seriously though – do you know if this is the right time to invest in property? I have found that curiously the answer is both YES and NO, depending on whom you ask. Its one of those wishy-washy issues – where even a MAYBE answer is common place. So no matter what you do – there is a lump in your throat.

Now – over in the US and some parts of Europe, banks and home finance companies have taken a beating. I nod intelligently at everyone’s theories on why the dollar is strengthening, oil is dropping, gold is climbing and stock markets everywhere are in turmoil. Everyone seems to know what they are talking about – but most often their theory does not pan out some ways down the track, so – damn it – how does one read into the situation to reduce the lumpiness in his throat?

Tell you what – am going to play this one out as it morphs..if I find a house WE like, then I will look for a loan that I like. If I get it, we’ll buy it, if not I will bye bye it…

Taking the Bus

2008-08-11T09:49:00.000-07:00

The Airbus A380 is certainly going to revolutionize air travel. With the ability to cram 550 to 600 passengers on board, some airlines will certainly be able to turn over quite a few bucks even with low airfares. The algorithms on volumes and capacity planning will at last produce numbers that will bring a smile to the faces of management and shareholders. But its more than likely that passengers wont be smiling.

Why? I cannot imagine disembarking at Mumbai airport and queuing up for immigration at a time when 2 or 3 of these babies have landed. The lines will probably stretch out onto the tarmac. But in a way perhaps that’s best – because even if you clear immigration sooner, the chances of getting your bags on the belt any time after you get to it are indeed dimmer than the chances of housing rents in Dubai dropping.

In-flight too there are going to be challenges. On a normal Boeing 777 flight, in cattle class, it takes the service crew quite a while to deliver a meal to your folding table (depending of-course on where you are seated). And trying to reach the rest-room when the service trolleys are out in the passage is impossible if you happen to be seated on the wrong side of the trolley.

On the A380 the service crew – even if more in number - may have to shorn roller blades in order to zip up and down the aisles to service their passengers. And the likely 8 abreast central seating layout (the most profitable) is sure going to increase demand for aisle seats.

All in all – travel as we know it, is poised to change. When the stewardess says “Let me see if I can find a vegetarian main course in the other galley for you" be prepared for it to be served cold!

No Weigh Jose !

2008-07-20T03:07:00.000-07:00

So we got this treadmill – and we placed it in our bedroom next to our panoramic window – plus in direct view of the television. Trust me – it was not a good decision. That treadmill literally looks at me continuously if I am in the room – no matter what I happen to be doing, seeming to ask “Why the hell are you not on me walking?” I shrug and tell it – “Let me finish eating this grilled cheese and tomato sandwich-THEN I will walk.” The LCD display shows elapsed time, speed and calories burned. Burning a 100 calories used to make me feel good – till I read in today’s paper that a burger, fries and coke contain like 1200 calories! Seems that from this week US law forces fast food restaurants to “declare” how many calories are packed into each of their meal offerings. The global food shortage is beginning to appear serious now. They are going to use guilt to reduce consumption. I also heard that airlines may start charging you airfare based on your weight. I mean – many airlines don’t even serve free food to you and you don’t mind that if they are going to make the fare more attractive. But weighing you seems a bit too much – I mean that means that the luggage tag is now going to be attached to the passenger. As you walk thru security, ten officials are going to halt you, look at the weight on the tag, look you up and down (“hmmm – he looks heavier than a 110..”) and then maybe let you go – or weigh you again. Wonder what is next? Spot auctions on parachutes while the plane is in a nosedive?

Topless or tipsy ?

2008-07-08T23:26:00.000-07:00

In follow-up to recent news reports about “immoral behavior” seen rampant at public beaches, a local paper reported today that the authorities had instructed lifeguards at all beaches to “keep an eye on women roaming topless”! What luck! This task is now practically and officially part of their job description. I wonder what will follow – if you see someone downing a can of beer at the beach – please reach into his picnic basket for one , open it and take a gulp – and make doubly sure it IS a beer! If you see a couple making love on the beach – Check # 1 – first verify that they are indeed making love. Check # 2 – verify if they are married. Check # 3 - verify if they are married to each other ! Yes this is really necessary; especially everyone knows that most love making and other tamer signs of affection between a couple seriously reduce after their married!

Dubai's new Rotating Tower - is it a Pepper Dream?

2008-06-22T01:14:00.000-07:00

This is good news. I mean what with Iran about to go nuclear, the US dollar slumped, the record breaking price of oil , global warming, floods and earthquakes et all - now Dubai is going to have a tall skyscraper that dynamically changes shape – by rotation of all the floors. That will really bring a smile to a lot of faces – and alleviate heaps of suffering.

Let’s just picture this. The sales pitch will be “Every apartment will now overlook the beach, the lake, the jungle on the mountain (artificial one being built, complete with robot orangutans and plastic coconuts) and the complex swimming pool , each for 4.2 hours in a day. “

You can throw away your clothes dryer. Merely hanging the clothes outside – and them traversing thru the wind @ 4.456 km/hr will dry them in a single rotation of your floor (blankets and carpets may take a couple more).

The core of the building will have a hollow tube shaft running top to bottom – just like a lift shaft. This will be regularly filled with whole black peppers – which will automatically be ground during the rotation of the various floors. Each apartment kitchen will receive a feed of freshly ground black pepper 24 x 7 x 365.
The management had earlier considered grinding coffee beans at first, but the marketing research company came up with the logical line – “Not everyone drinks coffee, but everyone eats pepper”. Ta-dah!

New Generation Viruses

2008-06-15T05:17:00.000-07:00

Nowadays we need to be careful. Anything that works on a battery or that connects to electricity can be attacked by viruses. Things sure have changed. A virus earlier meant something that happened to living beings – plants, people and animals - but now it can happen to non living things as well.

Ranjeet our cook is convinced that our microwave now has a virus. The darn thing has cracked three of our glass platters in the past week alone. Very mysterious. The wife says these platters were used in the microwave hundreds of times before – and now – beep beep – whirr – CRAA-ACK – beep, seems that the new virus in the microwave has razor sharp karate skills.

The microwave sits on the counter right next to the toaster – and its likely the toaster has been infected too. This particular model has a dial which you turn to select how light or dark you want your toast. That virus turns the dial to Maximum Dark by itself. Very strange. I can now eat half of my toast in one bite by collecting the black crumbs in a soup spoon.

These two viruses are no doubt perplexing. But the most sinister virus is the one that has afflicted the remote control unit of my satellite receiver. This morning I could not switch on the unit. I thought the batteries were weak, so moved closer – practically touching the remote control to the receiver, but nope, it didn’t work. Upon inspecting the batteries in the battery compartment – I noticed that the batteries were inserted incorrectly – that is - with incorrect polarity. That bloody virus again!

The cook and the kids are very lucky. Their employer / dad (ME!) is very computer savvy. He understands things like viruses. Any other father would never have considered a virus to be the cause, and would likely put forward more traditional theories on why these sort of things happen…

Lord Oracle smiles again

2008-06-04T11:40:00.000-07:00

Greeting fellow Earth mongers...
The Oracle hath spoken..I received a call from HR and yes - in a day or two they will transfer the "frozen" salary into my humble account...
These funds will ofcourse merely transit thru that account, just long enough to register on a bank statement - then will reach their rightful owners - my Landlord (whose Supremacy and Greatness these days shadows even that of Lord Oracle's...) , DEWA (Dubai Electric and Water Authority for those who are ignorant of Dubai's institutions), Lootah BC Gas, Etisalat and several others...
Well - I am glad to have it - if only to be able to pass it on...
Viva Dubai !

Lord Oracle is still angry

2008-06-01T06:02:00.000-07:00

Well was told by HR today that there is a "great difficulty" to appease Lord Oracle into agreeing to release my salary. I may just have to end up waiting till next month - and get two (2) salaries instead. Hmmm...am wondering if the logic in Lord Oracle's head can handle processing two salaries in the same month...it may just trip another flag in the system that says "Whoa! Two salaries? No way. STOP. So then I will be in the hole for two months !! Lets see what happens in the next day or so.
Cheers.

Anyone know how to reach Workaholics Anonymous?

2008-05-30T22:05:00.001-07:00

(Please note that this is written “tongue-in-cheek”, coz I had no other place to put my tongue)

Enough suffering in silence, drinking (and even being able to gargle) my tears. Its time I let the world in on my pitiful situation. I have a workaholic wife….

Its me who has to ring her daily in the evening to please come home from work. Anything I try to talk about leads us immediately into a discussion about something to do with her work. We go shopping to the supermarket for the family groceries, and she’s off buying coffee and provisions for her office.. the BEST Arabica!!!

Her employers send her to London , put her up at the Emirates Palace when she is in Abu Dhabi and write wonderful things about her on their website…and compliment her that she has the energy and outlook of a schoolgirl…its therefore hardly a wonder that my one day old beard stubble is a “lethal weapon” to her – and no matter what shirt I wear , its awful, old and should be thrown.

She was not always like this, no Sir, she was not. She used to talk to me about important things – like who has hired our ex-maid, or which friend of hers has conveniently forgotten to return her dress (borrowed to copy the pattern) or whom amongst my friends she feels is wearing false hair or other artificial parts of anatomy, but now all she wants to talk about is “does this sentence sound right – Dear Sir , your membership stands expunged because of non-payment of …” or “why is my Excel formula giving me an error?”

Earlier – the very sight of me to her must have meant “here is the love of my life”..but now she seems to see me and feel “Ah! Technical Support – where are those eighteen questions I had for him?”

Then – how can I not mention the OTHER love interest in her life? Dark, cool, smooth and one who never lets her down? A mere touch brings a beaming smile to her face. And always showering her with attention – 400 times a day. How can a mere mortal like me compete with a Blackberry device?

Its just not fair.

Or-a-kill (Oracle) !!

2008-05-29T04:20:00.000-07:00

We recently put in a shiny new Oracle system. I played a teensy-weensy role in the project. I thought that this would be enough to get me into the "inner circle"... that the little bits and bytes scrambling around the Server's memory, pipes, drains and ducts would sort of consider me "familiar"...I was woefully wrong.
They ran the Payroll this month, and left me out. Seems someone had to get in there and tell "The Application" that I was back from a short Vacation. As far as Lord Oracle is concerned, I am still on vacation - and am now likely “Absconding”.
As I type this, "The Application" is probably sending out messages to Interpol and
Scotland Yard. 4' x 3' posters "are probably being printed and will soon be pasted on fences and walls.
If you see any of these - please remember - I am innocent. I didnt do it. And I am not saying anything more until I see my lawyer!

The Virtual Virtues of Virtualization

2008-05-28T09:57:00.001-07:00

You guessed it – I have a slightly technical background ; computer gadgetry and such – hence the title of this piece. But don’t worry – the plan is not to put you to sleep with multiple heavy acronyms and jargon – but to tell you of my newest “virtual” invention, the extremely practical VVG, which stands for Virtual Virtue Goggles. I am certain there is a large percentage of you – the teaming masses – who would simply love to make use of these babies…

Now – these are not your typical goggles, in that you don’t have to wear them. Its more the effect of merely owning them that envelopes you – sort of like if everyone else was wearing them whilst looking at you.

Confused? Let me explain. The effect is literally as though everyone around you is wearing special eye apparatus, that automatically streams a high resolution, extremely realistic, factually corrected and completely check-summed, entirely proportional image of what you would like them to see about you direct to their cornea’s – which is the where the miracle of human vision begins.

Time for an example.

At the risk of somewhat diminishing my fan following, (comprising people who have never met me or seen a picture of me) please allow me to be the guinea pig. See, I am a bit podgy and soft around the middle – not obese by any measure, but people can readily recognize me as someone with a healthy appetite from afar.. so yes I do have a bit of a belly. Now – what I don’t have is a butt, yes , a rear, a rounded bottom, a rump or whatever other term comes to your mind. I confess – I am completely, fully, totally and unreservedly flat at the rear, as flat as the floor on which you stand!

Now picture this – the VVG goes to bat for me. I am at the mall and within the eye-shot of a couple of extremely appealing women. What do they see? The extra flab at front is “re-positioned” appropriately to all the wanton appendages of my anatomy – some of it to the butt, some of it to my shoulders and some of it to my upper chest. I am practically a Greek God, seemingly hewn from precious Italian marble, lovingly created by artisans who walked the planet hundreds of years ago and who died without passing on their skills to anyone after them.

Before you dwell on the above scenario, lets talk truth, lets talk conscience and lets talk accurate mathematics. “Matter can neither be created nor destroyed” The VVG algorithm only distributes what the body really has – not an ounce extra, not an ounce less. If I did not have it, I could not show it.

This gives my conscience great relief. There is no lie, there is no charade. What is seen is all there – albeit in its best light and glory even if not in its original place. If I look 98 kg without VVG, no one will be rendered a fool that I weigh any less however “virtualized” I may be. The fact is – everyone does their housework, especially if they are expecting guests. Why does the faded cushion get placed upside down on your sofa? Why is the coffee table a tad more to the left than it should be (conveniently covering the coffee stain on the carpet that happened last Wednesday ) ?

What about foundation make-up, mascara, false eye-lashes, wigs, tints, tummy tucks, botox injections, silicon implants, tattoo removal, high heeled shoes and breath freshening mints?

If all these are permitted under the vast umbrella of social honesty – then why should my invention give anyone a guilty conscience? Like I said earlier, if I did not have it to begin with, there is no way I could show it – which in my book is a lot more sincere than the examples I provided above.

OK OK I know what your thinking. Lets talk about that. What if those beauties were also VVG users and what I was seeing of them was along the lines of what they were seeing of me? Well – think about it. What a situation of mutual admiration and fellow respect that would be - no one would be feeling inferior and no one could feel superior.. it would be the social rendition of an even playing field – a true first for mankind..

You know the best thing about VVG? It works even on literary work..it wasn’t me that was the guinea pig - it was you. I wrote this trash – and somehow, it looked interesting and intelligent enough to you to keep reading this far…so you cannot deny that my invention – VVG – really rocks!

Please look out for my venture VVG FZCO and the subsequent IPO announcement – coming soon!

The Rage of Age

2008-05-28T09:46:00.000-07:00

We have learned to accept that as we age, our bodily functions gradually diminish – be it hair-growth, eyesight , hearing, digestion and other things that cannot be mentioned in print (not in general publications at-least). When these things happen gracefully, gradually – I suppose one can accept them better than when they manifest practically overnight and then make rapid progress (downhill).

Speaking about overnight – its true – as we age we need less sleep. Lying awake I had an idea. What about making special newspapers for “aging” people where everything printed is a minimum font size 16? I mean – when kids are learning to read , we make these special books for them where every alphabet is an inch and a half tall…why can’t we do something for the same kids…sixty years later?

Historic beginning

2008-05-24T22:28:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone
Been meaning to do this (start blogging) for awhile now - and have last done it.
Will be back for more - regularly , thats a promise.
Cheers
Prads