Anyone know how to reach Workaholics Anonymous?

(Please note that this is written “tongue-in-cheek”, coz I had no other place to put my tongue)

Enough suffering in silence, drinking (and even being able to gargle) my tears. Its time I let the world in on my pitiful situation. I have a workaholic wife….

Its me who has to ring her daily in the evening to please come home from work. Anything I try to talk about leads us immediately into a discussion about something to do with her work. We go shopping to the supermarket for the family groceries, and she’s off buying coffee and provisions for her office.. the BEST Arabica!!!

Her employers send her to London , put her up at the Emirates Palace when she is in Abu Dhabi and write wonderful things about her on their website…and compliment her that she has the energy and outlook of a schoolgirl…its therefore hardly a wonder that my one day old beard stubble is a “lethal weapon” to her – and no matter what shirt I wear , its awful, old and should be thrown.

She was not always like this, no Sir, she was not. She used to talk to me about important things – like who has hired our ex-maid, or which friend of hers has conveniently forgotten to return her dress (borrowed to copy the pattern) or whom amongst my friends she feels is wearing false hair or other artificial parts of anatomy, but now all she wants to talk about is “does this sentence sound right – Dear Sir , your membership stands expunged because of non-payment of …” or “why is my Excel formula giving me an error?”

Earlier – the very sight of me to her must have meant “here is the love of my life”..but now she seems to see me and feel “Ah! Technical Support – where are those eighteen questions I had for him?”

Then – how can I not mention the OTHER love interest in her life? Dark, cool, smooth and one who never lets her down? A mere touch brings a beaming smile to her face. And always showering her with attention – 400 times a day. How can a mere mortal like me compete with a Blackberry device?

Its just not fair.

Or-a-kill (Oracle) !!

We recently put in a shiny new Oracle system. I played a teensy-weensy role in the project. I thought that this would be enough to get me into the "inner circle"... that the little bits and bytes scrambling around the Server's memory, pipes, drains and ducts would sort of consider me "familiar"...I was woefully wrong.
They ran the Payroll this month, and left me out. Seems someone had to get in there and tell "The Application" that I was back from a short Vacation. As far as Lord Oracle is concerned, I am still on vacation - and am now likely “Absconding”.
As I type this, "The Application" is probably sending out messages to Interpol and
Scotland Yard. 4' x 3' posters "are probably being printed and will soon be pasted on fences and walls.
If you see any of these - please remember - I am innocent. I didnt do it. And I am not saying anything more until I see my lawyer!

The Virtual Virtues of Virtualization

You guessed it – I have a slightly technical background ; computer gadgetry and such – hence the title of this piece. But don’t worry – the plan is not to put you to sleep with multiple heavy acronyms and jargon – but to tell you of my newest “virtual” invention, the extremely practical VVG, which stands for Virtual Virtue Goggles. I am certain there is a large percentage of you – the teaming masses – who would simply love to make use of these babies…

Now – these are not your typical goggles, in that you don’t have to wear them. Its more the effect of merely owning them that envelopes you – sort of like if everyone else was wearing them whilst looking at you.

Confused? Let me explain. The effect is literally as though everyone around you is wearing special eye apparatus, that automatically streams a high resolution, extremely realistic, factually corrected and completely check-summed, entirely proportional image of what you would like them to see about you direct to their cornea’s – which is the where the miracle of human vision begins.

Time for an example.

At the risk of somewhat diminishing my fan following, (comprising people who have never met me or seen a picture of me) please allow me to be the guinea pig. See, I am a bit podgy and soft around the middle – not obese by any measure, but people can readily recognize me as someone with a healthy appetite from afar.. so yes I do have a bit of a belly. Now – what I don’t have is a butt, yes , a rear, a rounded bottom, a rump or whatever other term comes to your mind. I confess – I am completely, fully, totally and unreservedly flat at the rear, as flat as the floor on which you stand!

Now picture this – the VVG goes to bat for me. I am at the mall and within the eye-shot of a couple of extremely appealing women. What do they see? The extra flab at front is “re-positioned” appropriately to all the wanton appendages of my anatomy – some of it to the butt, some of it to my shoulders and some of it to my upper chest. I am practically a Greek God, seemingly hewn from precious Italian marble, lovingly created by artisans who walked the planet hundreds of years ago and who died without passing on their skills to anyone after them.

Before you dwell on the above scenario, lets talk truth, lets talk conscience and lets talk accurate mathematics. “Matter can neither be created nor destroyed” The VVG algorithm only distributes what the body really has – not an ounce extra, not an ounce less. If I did not have it, I could not show it.

This gives my conscience great relief. There is no lie, there is no charade. What is seen is all there – albeit in its best light and glory even if not in its original place. If I look 98 kg without VVG, no one will be rendered a fool that I weigh any less however “virtualized” I may be. The fact is – everyone does their housework, especially if they are expecting guests. Why does the faded cushion get placed upside down on your sofa? Why is the coffee table a tad more to the left than it should be (conveniently covering the coffee stain on the carpet that happened last Wednesday ) ?

What about foundation make-up, mascara, false eye-lashes, wigs, tints, tummy tucks, botox injections, silicon implants, tattoo removal, high heeled shoes and breath freshening mints?

If all these are permitted under the vast umbrella of social honesty – then why should my invention give anyone a guilty conscience? Like I said earlier, if I did not have it to begin with, there is no way I could show it – which in my book is a lot more sincere than the examples I provided above.

OK OK I know what your thinking. Lets talk about that. What if those beauties were also VVG users and what I was seeing of them was along the lines of what they were seeing of me? Well – think about it. What a situation of mutual admiration and fellow respect that would be - no one would be feeling inferior and no one could feel superior.. it would be the social rendition of an even playing field – a true first for mankind..

You know the best thing about VVG? It works even on literary work..it wasn’t me that was the guinea pig - it was you. I wrote this trash – and somehow, it looked interesting and intelligent enough to you to keep reading this far…so you cannot deny that my invention – VVG – really rocks!

Please look out for my venture VVG FZCO and the subsequent IPO announcement – coming soon!

The Rage of Age

We have learned to accept that as we age, our bodily functions gradually diminish – be it hair-growth, eyesight , hearing, digestion and other things that cannot be mentioned in print (not in general publications at-least). When these things happen gracefully, gradually – I suppose one can accept them better than when they manifest practically overnight and then make rapid progress (downhill).

Speaking about overnight – its true – as we age we need less sleep. Lying awake I had an idea. What about making special newspapers for “aging” people where everything printed is a minimum font size 16? I mean – when kids are learning to read , we make these special books for them where every alphabet is an inch and a half tall…why can’t we do something for the same kids…sixty years later?

Historic beginning

Hello everyone
Been meaning to do this (start blogging) for awhile now - and have last done it.
Will be back for more - regularly , thats a promise.
Cheers
Prads